demoralising ice-nite, further coldness in the mornin

evthin's spinnin, i most likely wont be very coherent but i do wih i were perpetually drunk. evthin just comes so clear and clean. i got terribly depressed but in a proud sorta way. i realise my misery. completely. after 3 saltios i suppose, which i thought had no effect whatsoever, i come home mildly tipsy, to make fun of myself cuz im actually long gone. i'm spinnin around...as the song goes. and vvvv depressed. this actually came quickly. i try to hide in the bathroom and cry my misfortunes but that didn't come easy though i knew it. i can't really make distinctions, and i don't exatly realise my images. i do picture things and consider them mildly cool... can bearly keep my head up, mayb i'm gonna b sick, but im mostly sorry for being evthin i am...yeah, i am sick! man, 3 saltios...i'd better put myself to bed.................no, really cuz...i dont wanna do that....that....i mean that...evthin just kinda sucked. it was short and....wake up call-ing...sucks that i dont have this lucidity 24/7. i can't understand mist of it but it mainly braings me to my low levels...i cant understand why completey failed but i guess im not supposed to...whatever. it'll b gone in the mornin but just as bad as ever. choose life? but when does it choose u?
and i cut my hair, pretty short, from the plannings, guess my mum's upset. and "tembela" conversation this mornin. i feel completely useless. i cant help any horrid situations, i cannot aleviate any lil' bit. and it never stays better, it just runs off to grey thoughts and tears and the worse of expectations. im definitely not among the ones who can easily see beauty in life. most of the time, i just witness its perversity and bit by bit, my desire to continue, falls off my being.